The Friendship Effect

I typically say that it is very important to keep high standards in your friendships; such as talking to your long distance friends on the phone and seeing your local friends on a consistent basis. By doing this you sustain your friendships and keep them strong.

I have a caveat to my own advice which is this: If you’re comfy, take it. Allow me to explain. Two years ago I moved back to California where I am originally from. Here I have more access to physically see my friends who I grew up with.

Since I have been in California, when I keep in touch with my friends I definitely prefer to see them in person versus on the phone. My logic is: We are close by so why spend the same time being on the phone when we are five to fifteen minutes away and we can see each other in person?

One of my best friends who lives close by to me would always call me and I know she wanted to have a long conversation. Of course I would always talk with my friend. Though, in the back of my mind I always thought, “I wish we could have this conversation in person.”

Time is a precious commodity for me, especially now having an eight month old daughter. So, an hour or more conversation on the phone is a big part of my day when the majority of the rest of it is spent with my daughter.

I recently came to realize that even if your friends are local, a phone conversation can be just as great as hanging out in person. I had been trying to make plans with this same friend for a couple weeks and it was very challenging to find even an hour to spend time together with our schedules. I called her and tried to make it easier by telling her I could come to her on any break she had even if it was for an hour or less. The outcome was she was so busy that I even accommodating her did not make it feasible for her to be able to hang out.

My conversation which was initiated to find a time to hang out turned in to over an hour conversation about our lives. It was the first time we talked on the phone and I was able to enjoy the conversation without any voices in the back of my head saying, “I wish we could be having this conversation in person.”

Maybe I was comfy with our phone chat because I finally realized how busy my friend really was, or how busy I was too? Either way the important thing is that I was “comfy.” In the past I would have thought that I was dropping my friendship standards by accepting the fact that we had not seen each other in person for a while. Now, I know that I am doing the opposite by having consistent phone conversations with my friend; I am keeping our friendship standards high.

Think about your friendships. If you and your friend are “comfy” with the way you keep your friendship strong, whether it is seeing each other in person or not, that is all that matters. If you are comfy with the groove you have then “take it.” Now that I am comfy with my friend and I’s phone conversations I will take them; since she is so busy. I will gladly take what I can get, especially if it means keeping an important friendship intact.

What is NLP and what does it stand for?

a). Nice little people

b). Never loved peas

c). Neuro Linguistic Programming

d). Ninja lamp pilates

If you guessed a), Nice little people, then you are close because NLP does help foster making people more happy. Though the true answer is c), Neuro Linguistic Programming. Now that you know what NLP stands for let me tell you what it means. NLP explores the relationships between how we think, how we express our thoughts and our patterns of behavior and emotion. NLP has the ability to get direct access to our past life experiences stored at deep levels of mind. Then NLP takes these past life experiences and reassembles the connections we had with them to present day connections and creates new possibilities in all areas of life. I’ll be talking about it specifically in regard to friendships¹.

Using NLP techniques will allow you to make a distinction between a friend’s behavior and help you look at the meaning you give that behavior. Think about how often the meaning you attribute to someone’s behavior can lead you to a place of frustration and wasted energy, when in retrospect your understanding of that behavior may be inaccurate.

Marilou Seavey² is an expert with over 25 years of experience in NLP. Seavey says that studies show that only 50% of one’s “mind talk” (perceptions) is correct. If you agree with your mind talk 100% of the day that means that what you perceive things to be are only 50% accurate.  For example, you may inaccurately perceive your friend is upset with you when really she is upset because a loved one is ill. You may dissipate energy focusing on why your friend is upset when your assumption is untrue. The time you spend on this untrue assumption can drain and effect your day. I know this for a fact.

I am grateful to say that I have a true best friend. Her name is Kelly. We have been friends since we met in college over ten years ago. Over the years our lives have gone in as opposite directions as possible. Kelly lives in Oregon with her husband and is in her second year in dental school. I am in California and am teaching and raising my seventh month year old daughter. The one thing we do currently have in common is that we both are extremely busy, just in completely different ways.

Over the past couple of years Kelly and I’s daily phone conversations have turned into a week or couple week conversations. Recently Kelly had finals for school and it had been a long while since we spoke. My “mind talk” was starting to get the best of me. Since the last time Kelly and I had spoken I had some challenges acclimating to being a new mother. Typically I would spill my heart to Kelly first chance we are able to talk, without hesitation. Though time had passed since we had spoken and my mind started to play tricks on me.

It was telling me lies like, Kelly will probably sarcastically think, “Oh your life is really tough Renee. You have to raise your daughter, keep the house up, teach and balance yourself; while I am in dental school, barely able to find time to eat and having to take eleven finals (really had to) in one week.” These thoughts floated through my head and they were starting to affect me and make me not feel great. I began creating all of these hypothetical conversations we might have, me trying to explain myself and why at times being a mom is trying. I even convinced myself after talking to my husband that I would just have to vent to other moms who would instantly understand where I was coming from.

The time came When Kelly was able to call. Before I picked up the phone, for a split second I thought, “Should I even vent and tell her about my challenges being a new mommy or not?”

This was a clear example of how our mind talk and what we perceive is only correct 50% of the time. The second I heard Kelly’s voice and had begun talking and telling her about what had been going on for me it was like all was healed. Even though it had been a long time since we had spoken it was like I had just spoken with her the day before. She may not have been able to relate to me as another mother, but it didn’t matter because she knows me and was able to relate to me as my best friend.

So, next time you begin to focus in on some mind talk that is affecting you in a not so amazing way, ask yourself…Do I know this to be true? The chance that it is true is just about as good as your chance of landing on red playing roulette; fifty, fifty.

We all sure know we are in the midst of the holiday season. Along with this time comes stress mixed with love in getting presents taken care of; enjoying and equally hating those holiday desserts that you are unable stop eating and nostalgia on another year which flew by so quickly.

It is important to remember during this busy time to make time for our friendships. It is so easy to spend those extra several minutes or hours sending out more holiday cards, wrapping presents, getting one last gift in the jungle of determined shoppers. Then on top of the holiday to do list we still have our day to day lives to keep up, such as cooking, cleaning, working, going to school, taking care of our kids and oh yeah ourselves:)

To make time for our friendships during this demanding time almost seems impossible. What I do know is that if a rat can do it so can we. Of course a rat does not have all the holiday demands (besides eating chocolate) on their plates, but they do have choices to make, as do we.

Neurobiologist Peggy Mason of the University of Chicago and her colleagues did a series of experiments with rats. In one cage they trapped one rat in a plexiglass tube and let another free. The free rat even when enticed with chocolate chips still first went to free his cage mate. After his cage mate was free he then proceeded to share his chocolate with him. Wow, is what I say to this. Rats have the emotional set up to sacrifice their personal gain (chocolate) to help a fellow rat. Again, if a rat can make choices such as those so can we.

During this holiday time choose friendships. Ditch the sweets and other demands to the curb for a while or don’t ditch them at all, share them with your friends as the rats did.

Spending time with your friends during this holiday time will alleviate some of your holiday stress and overall make you feel better. Again, what is true for rodents is true for us. Jeffrey Mogil is a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal.Work in Mogil’s lab has shown that when mice are given a temporary stomach pain, their female cage mates will go spend more time near them. And the more time their cage mates spend with them, the less pain behavior the mice will show — suggesting that the extra companionship is in response to the pain and that it actually helps in alleviating it.

Whether you or a friend has stomach pain or other stresses be a pal to her and yourself and spend time together. Incorporate your friends into what you still may need to get done. If you still need to shop, shop together. In my book, The Friendship Effect, there are more studies and facts conveying that friendship and companionship are physically and mentally life changing and saving.

The next time you see your caller id displaying your friend’s name or a friend asks you to hang out, before you instantly say “no” or don’t pick up the phone because of the million things you have to do…remember the rats that not only chose to help their friends but also shared their chocolate with them. If they can do it, so can we. Enjoy the rest of your holiday season:)

I am already thinking what some of you might be thinking once you’ve read my title, which is… “Yes we know the adage that what we think in our mind’s will come true”….hence “The Secret” (The big craze that came out several years back). “The Secret” is a philosophy that basically conveys that when you say to the universe what you want it will attract to you. So, some of you may whole heartedly agree with this philosophy and others of you may be skeptical; both sides are completely a hundred percent right for you and your life.

In saying all of this I stand more on the side of believing in the philosophy of the Secret. Though at times like all of us human beings when life becomes challenging I can slip through the cracks and become pessimistic or stuck in Victimitus land. Per my book The Friendship Effect, a victim is one who doesn’t take responsibility for one’s actions and behaviors and who feels like everyone is out to get him or her.

The interesting thing is that many people explain how to attract what you most desire in your life based on the power of your mind; though do not describe how to prevent you from attracting things you least desire in your life.

What are we to do when we have days, weeks, or longer when we are strolling around aimlessly in Victimitus land? How do we escape? My answer is: The Power of our Mind. As I explain in my book our minds can be our best or worst friends.

So allow me to convey the technique which will help you take your quickest bus out of Victimitus land. When you say what you want to the universe and put forth energy into it, it does eventually attract to you. The same goes for things you least want to attract. For example: After going on a run several weeks back my ankle felt a little tweaked. It was no big deal as I am an avid exerciser. Though, the next day at zumba class once I began I instantly thought, “I should totally not do zumba.” Though my hardcore past soccer days made my mind be quiet and I finished my zumba class even though my ankle was not a hundred percent.

The next day I realized I needed to take a sabbatical from working out. Two weeks went by and I still had not done zumba or running to give my ankle a break. I still went to zumba class right after it ended twice a week since afterwards I taught English. Every time my zumba teacher and the other ladies would ask why I did not partake in zumba and each time I answered “Oh, my ankle is still hurt. So I am going to take it easy until it gets better.” I would even point to my ankle and show them where it hurt when they asked. Then they would typically answer, “Oh you and your poor ankle. Hope you get better soon.”

By telling my zumba teacher, class participants and numerous other people in those two weeks (husband, friends, family, etc.) that my ankle was hurt I was using my mind power and words to keep my ankle hurt longer than it really needed to be. I was telling the universe, “My ankle is hurt.” So my body would go to bed, wake up and treat each day as my ankle being hurt, working out was not an option because it was resting, hence it remained hurt.

The end of the second week of my ankle being hurt my husband, daughter and I flew to Maui (where my husband is from) to visit family for the Thanksgiving holiday. None of my friends or family there knew about my ankle. The first day we got there, I went for a light jog around the neighborhood. The following day and each of my ten days thereafter I ran. I didn’t just run down the street and back I ran up and down some pretty massive windy roads.

My husband said, “Babe, how is it that your ankle was hurt just the other day in California and not now in Maui?” Of course we joked that duh, of course it was better because we were in tropical Maui where much can seem great and healed. Though, I honestly told my husband that it was all in my mind. That the previous pain I felt in my ankle was real, though that I nursed it along for way longer than it needed because with my mind and my words to others I made it stay alive by telling everyone around me about it.

So do you see now how not so great things that happen to us can stay alive for longer than they really need to, even physical ailments? Think about something not so great that has happened to you. Do you recall it ruining your entire day, or even longer? If so think back as to why it did…did you tell everyone with two ears about the incident? By spreading the word you are feeding and attracting more of what you may least desire, such as I did with my hurt ankle.

There is a caveat I would love to share with you as well. None of us are perfect and to overcome some life situations we really do need to share some of our challenges with others, to be able to then move on from them. So if something upsetting happens to you and you need to get it off your chest to be able to move on please do. Cry if you need to cry, it is healthy. Just be aware what you choose to share with others and what you want to keep alive. I sure know that in the future if I do feel pain in an ankle or any other part of my body I am not going to sing to the chorus about it.

The best thing about now knowing how to prevent and or stop attracting less desirable things into our lives (answer: not talking all the time about it) is that we are then more inviting for friends to want to spend time with us. Who wants to be around others who are always talking about what is wrong (a victim)? By using the power of your mind in positive ways you will attract more friends your way.

Many people subconsciously discuss what is wrong with themselves for instant attention in the form of, “Oh you poor thing” or “I’m sorry that’s too bad.” If you are aware you may be doing this for attention, guess what? You will get even more attention and friends by talking about what is great in your life. If you aren’t already doing it try it out and see how others react to you differently than when you are talking about what is wrong in your life.

So…whether you believe in “The Secret” or not take my secret (which is not a secret anymore:): Prevent and or stop attracting less than desirable things into your life by not continuing to spread the news about them when you already have felt out the feelings about them to move on. Choose to make your mind your best friend versus your worst which will attract more friends your way.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It is very much appreciated. Have a great rest of your day:)

Hi and thank you for reading my blog. I feel really excited about starting to write in  it again and to continue to more consistently.

I am currently visiting family with my daughter and husband in Maui, Hawaii (where my husband is from). It is a great opportunity for me to have more time to reedit my book.

I had an experience on this trip which made me realize I needed to change one of my chapters which focuses on being grateful for what you have in your life. My chapter conveys how being grateful for what you have in your life can get you through any challenging time in your life.This philosophy has always been very true for me even in the most challenging of times.

My first full day in Maui I began to feel like a weirdo. Here I was in Maui, tropical weather, on vacation, with family and I was feeling unhappy and frustrated.

My six month year old daughter has begun to teethe which equals more fussiness than usual due to her sore gums (poor baby). She also is in a big time “mommy” phase, where all she wants is me.

After feeding her that morning I was able to leave the house for a quick bit to go on a run. Usually exercising always makes me feel better. During my exercises if I am feeling overwhelmed at all I will begin to name off what I am grateful for in my life.

So that is exactly what I did. I said, “I am grateful that I am in Maui”, “I am grateful Ninel (my daughter) loves me so much that she only wants me”. “I am grateful I was able to have Ninel (as it was very challenging to get pregnant).” This has always made me feel so much better. Though this certain time it did not work for me.

In my mind I kept going back to, “I need more time to work on my book and I am unable to get it with Ninel only wanting to be with me”, “I wish I could go swim or go to the beach.”

I got back to the house and felt better but not all the way. I realized that the advice I gave in my book was not working for me. Which was that by being grateful for what you have in your life that you will feel better about anything challenging for you in your life. I definitely do not want to be an author that writes something that she doesn’t believe in or stand for.

So this is where the “and…” part comes from. After feeling a little better for being grateful for what I had in my life I knew I needed to do more to feel all the way better. I had to do something for myself that made me happy. I decided to not be a victim and say to myself, “You have no time to do something for yourself because you need to be with Ninel.”

So when she was napping throughout the day instead of doing anything else I wrote in my book and got back into the loop with my website. That was what I needed. It felt so amazing.

So the moral of this blog is…..yes I still genuinely believe that we all can get through any challenging situation in our lives by being grateful for what we do have in our lives. Keep in mind that if just being grateful isn’t cutting it, make sure you do the”and” part. Which is do something for yourself after being grateful that will guarantee make you feel happy.

For me it was writing in my book, for you maybe its watching your favorite show, going out to eat with a friend, going on a walk. Choose whatever will make you most happy.

Again thank you for taking your time to read my blog. I hope it brought some good and or happiness into your life today. Have a great rest of your day.

As I write this blog I am sitting in my father’s bed by his side as he is resting under the covers. I am taking into action the title of this blog: “Remember to make time for those closest to you-including yourself” by being with my father, who is also one of my best friends.

Being right in the middle of trying to obtain a Pepsi grant to help me publish my book I have found myself feeling non-existent to those closest to me. All my time before and after work I have chosen to dedicate to spreading the word about my grant.

In our lives there will be events that we partake in that are so meaningful and passionate to us that we may lose sight of everything else around us. That has currently happened to me. I have recently gotten calls from some of my best friends saying, “Hey Renee just checking in on you. Have not heard from you in a while. Making sure you are okay. Call me when you get a chance.” When I am unable to keep up with what I write so passionately about (friends) then I know I need to slow down and as my husband says, “Smell the flowers.”

I truly believe that everything that is meant to be for the better of the world will be regardless of self imposed timelines. In saying that if a time ever comes when you feel like you “have to” do something and it is imposing on your quality time with yourself and those closest to you remember that you can always choose to do what “you” want to do. The only person that can make you do anything is “yourself”.

So right now check in with yourself: How are your connections with those closest to you? Are you giving your time to those that are closest to your heart or have they fallen through the seams. Make an effort to reestablish or continue to grow the bond with your loved ones-including yourself.